The Lump On a Log
I have writer's block in a huge way lately. Hell, I also have exercise block, eating healthily block, and drinking less wine block. I just tried to start an intelligent sounding blog post about the art of sharing your story and after one paragraph I realized it was complete crap. All I could think of was feeling like a lump on a log and so, ladies and gentlemen, I now present you with a highly enlightening composition on that very topic!
Over the past two years I have read more self development books than Oprah. (Please note that I have no proof of this and *may* be wrong, so please don’t come after me for spreading inaccurate information about Her Highness--and I call her that lovingly, because I actually freaking adore Oprah even if my husband isn’t a fan. Like at all.)
Where was I? Oh, yes, self development books. Do you remember when they were called ‘self-help’ books? Maybe that isn’t as kosher of a term any longer because it implies a brokenness in need of fixing, whereas development signifies seeking means of personal growth. But aren’t we all in need of at least a little fixing? Couldn’t we all use a little grease on our axles, a new spark plug to make our engines run again, a realignment? (Any other cheesy car for life metaphors are welcome...comment below! Ha!)
I started writing about the highs and lows of my parenting journey in 2008. Miles was five and his health and developmental issues were becoming more profound. I also had a typically developing two year old and sometimes I felt like I was the cloth tied to the middle of the rope used for tug of war; pulled one second over the line to the dark place of watching Miles decline with no way to stop it, and the next second yanked enthusiastically into the realm of laughing hysterically over the antics of my gregarious second born. I had gotten into lump on a log existence back then, too, even though on the surface I appeared very busy and possibly content. I felt disconnected from myself as many mothers do at some point, and I even may have described myself as a tad broken then too. Writing about it made me feel like I was at least accomplishing something, and thus I rose above that damned log and felt like I was a person of value and substance and not just a mother. Please don’t misunderstand that last sentence. I am acutely aware of the value of that title. But I think those of you who this will resonate with will agree with me that there come points in the motherhood tenure where you deeply long for something bigger; something that allows those non-broken parts of you to shine and contribute to the greater good of the world or maybe just make for a nice epitaph on your headstone one day.
Writing and sharing was the impetus I needed back then to place an intangible but necessary value on my being. It gave me the purpose and energy I needed to l-i-v-e. And yet, several years in, I stopped because I felt like I had nothing happy to share; that all I was saying was tinged with sadness and the loss of hope I had begun to feel. When I began this blogging thing again in early 2018 I was reminded of the charge writing and sharing openly with others gives me, and I flung myself wholeheartedly into it for a time. Yet here I am, in a similar timeframe as back in 2011 when I stopped writing the first time, feeling like I have nothing cheerful to say to you and no energy with which to say it.
Now let’s swing back around to those self-help, pardon me--self-development books-- I have been reading. Through reading Byron Katie’s ‘Loving What Is’ I’ve learned to ask myself valuable questions to help me get back on track to living in the present. So in this current lump on a log situation, doing ‘The Work,’ as she calls it, I would ask myself:
Is it true? Well, no, of course it isn’t true. I am not actually a lump, (despite gaining about 10 pounds since my Mother passed away six months ago), and I am not actually sitting on a log, even though my couch has become one of my closest allies in recent months. But literally, no, I am not actually a lump.
How do I react when I believe that thought? Well, I become even more of a lump and continue to sit on that damned log eating all the things, drinking all the things, and not exercising all the things!
Who would I be without that thought? I would be more active, more engaged with this one life I get, happier, and though I realize this isn’t the most important thing in life, I’d probably also be thinner!
Turn the thought around: I am not a lump on a log. I am getting two children to and fro to all of their doctor appointments and activities. I hosted a really fun Halloween party last week that made my younger son very happy. I somehow manage to attend a pilates class weekly with my childhood best friend despite my deep hatred of working out. I saw an amazing live music show last weekend with my husband and dear friends that moved my soul. I am attending a charity event this evening. I am writing this rambling cacophony of words to share with you because I needed to. I AM NOT A LUMP ON A LOG!
See how that works? Isn’t it cool? I highly suggest using Byron Katie’s method when you are encountering stressful thoughts.
Another self-development book that really had an impact on me is Rachel Hollis’ ‘Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be.’ This isn’t a book providing deep, philosophical insight (though I’ve read plenty of amazing books lately that do and I’m happy to share some recommendations if you’re seeking any), but instead it’s the kind of straight girl talk, kick in the pants, lift you up, encouragement we all need from time to time. When I first read it two years ago it was one of the biggest reasons I started blogging again. I thought to myself, ‘I want to be the Rachel Hollis of special needs parents! I want to be that encouraging, real voice that tells you, yes, this sucks something fierce sometimes, but you’ve got this and I’m here with you.’ I still hope that one day I can be that if I haven’t already in some small way been that for some of you reading this.
I feel a current of energy in my body I haven’t felt in awhile as I wrap this post up. As I learned last February at the ‘Thrive Together’ blogger conference, you don’t always need to share something perfect with your readers...just share something! It feels good to be sharing something with you for the first time in months. It isn’t profound. It won’t change your life. But it’s from my heart and I hope it helps someone get off the couch today and do something that makes them feel happy and motivated to keep going.
Well, lookie there...I may have written a post about sharing your story after all!
