Summertime Blues
This one goes out to all you special needs parents out there. Wait, no. This one goes out to anyone who is feeling a little less than their best self. If you're like me, your brain may be floating around phrases like:
I'm off kilter.
I've lost my mojo.
My soul is numb.
Should I just resign myself to the fact that I need a nap every.single.day now?
Holy crap, I am forgetful and repeating myself...do I need to start taking Gingko Biloba?
I look a hell of a lot better WITH my clothes on.
What happened to my neck...like literally in the last month?!
I have writer's block so badly that I don't think I'll ever come up with anything to blog about again. (well, until this morning, that is)
I desperately wanted to blame these things on menopause. I mean, not because I want to be in menopause, but because then I'd have something to blame this nonsense on. But I know the root of it all and it's that evil monster known as stress. I remember years ago talking to a friend in California who was an ER doctor. She was telling me about some of the horrible things she'd witnessed in her job. I can't recall any of those things now (thankfully), but I do recall and often replay in my head what she said next: "It doesn't matter how healthy you think you are, if you are constantly stressed, that shit will kill you faster than anything else."
For parents of kids with special needs, we know that there is research that shows we suffer from similar post traumatic stress disorder symptoms as those who have served in combat. If you don't live in this world and think I'm exaggerating, I promise I am not. The physical toll caring for our children puts on us causes massive inflammation which in turn does incredible damage to our cells. Add to that one's genetic predisposition for auto-immune disorders, as is the case with me based on my family history, and you've got the perfect storm to combat. I try to do what I can to quell inflammation. I have been on a gluten-free diet for six years that I do not stray from. I take anti-inflammatory supplements like hemp-based cbd, turmeric, vitamin c, omegas, magnesium, methylated B vitamins, and high doses of vitamin D. (I'm chronically low in Vitamin D) I recently learned that my thyroid was sluggish--hello, stress! And I even just put myself through a most bizarre 24-hour female circadian rhythm test that required me to spit in a tube every four hours. (I willingly set my alarm for 4 am this morning to do this, y'all. Shit has to be waaaay off kilter for me to do that, and here I am at 10:43 am already needing a nap) I'm trying to fine tune my body, but maybe it's my soul that needs more assistance?
I find that with the consistency and routine of the school year I am sometimes able to lull myself into the false belief that I'm a bit more under control. (which is honestly laughable, and simply writing those words here makes me realize how 'off kilter' I have become lately!) But when summer hits, I have no consistent daily childcare for Miles and my life feels very far from being my own. He sleeps until noon or beyond, his aggressive episodes and intolerance for placing any expectations upon him have increased mightily, and the daily rote care that parents of a child with profound special needs encounter (give meds, feed meals, make sure he has water, change out the dvd, wipe bottoms, bathe, repeat), all leave me feeling 'stuck'-for lack of a better word-at home feeling lonely, isolated and not at all like my best self. (*I do share these duties with my husband and other son when they are here)
I try the occasional yoga video. I take Miles for walks in his jogging stroller that he loves. I listen to positive messages through books on audible. (because don't even try to get me to actually read a book or I'll be asleep after the first page) I scroll more than I care to admit through social media, often seeking affirmations and enlightening phrases from spiritual pages. (And I believe that by reading that message the universe will bring me good things, dammit!) I set up dinner dates or happy hours with my girlfriends. I pick up my guitar and muddle my way through a few songs. And yet, I often feel extraordinarily unfulfilled. I have to be honest here...I have no idea how to wrap up this blog post. This one doesn't get tied up in a neat bow with a list of the ways I have turned my life around to feel the joy I desire and deserve. So I ask you, friends, family, lurkers, etc. to chime in so that we can collectively lift one another up. Tell me about how you combat feelings of isolation. Tell me your favorite quote. Tell me a joke.
Yesterday was a very bad day for me. But today I woke up knowing that I could start with whatever intention I set, and so I chose joy. Just doing that lead me to wanting to write for the first time in two months. It certainly isn't my best writing, but it's honest and real and that's all I've currently got, folks. Thanks for reading! Hope everyone has a joy-filled Sunday!
